Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
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One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
then why did i get this email
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.