Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
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[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
But that’s none of my business
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
A woman drives into a bar.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…