Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
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My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Gods work.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.