It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
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You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.