Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
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Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
R.I.P.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.