*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
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i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
🙂🙃🥹
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.