Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
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*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
i dont have time for this
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.