[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
You Might Also Like
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.