If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
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Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.