who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
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A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.