judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
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Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.