Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
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Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart