Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
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“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?