*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
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Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Flock of bats
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS