You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
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Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Mmmm canned fish.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
You deplete me
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
I have a place for everything. The floor.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with