They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
You Might Also Like
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.