Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
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Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.