Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
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NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Realize this:
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.