[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
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I don’t share cheese on the first date.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what