So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
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[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
🙀🙀🙀😹
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”