We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
You Might Also Like
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Does beer think about me too?
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.