Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
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My birthstone is kidney
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager