Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
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God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO