Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
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Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”