Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
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them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Siri: Retweet me.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”