Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
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king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.