On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
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Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.