hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
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If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.