I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
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Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
True?
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
mariah carrie
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where