The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
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a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”