my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
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Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable