A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
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I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.