CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
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*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.