addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
You Might Also Like
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many