“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
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HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
*mops up wine with cat*
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no