Clients after you give them your rates
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I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Me sliding into hell like
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.