Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
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My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face