Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
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Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”