a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
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Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
LOOOOOOL
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too