I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
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Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
My neck my back my allergy attack
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
I love wikipedia
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him