These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
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PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
If I ignore life will it go away?
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
*scroll*
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”