Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
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The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Do robots dream of electric sheep?