A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
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I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
May never get over this
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
✌🏽
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear