One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
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WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
*Inspirational Tweets*
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back