Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
You Might Also Like
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read