BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
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Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.