If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
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I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Always a housemaid, never a house.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.