I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
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met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…