I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
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The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
I feel this so hard
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
12. I think about this all the damn time
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”