bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
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*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
I’m a self-made hundredaire
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.